Yep, you read that right! This is a more serious post. It's a long one and mostly just for myself so if you don't want to read it then by all means, don't! It won't hurt my feelings! ;)
I know on this blog I have painted the perfect picture of happiness that is all rainbows and butterflies for our lives. That is obviously not true for anyone. However we truly do have a very great life. Marcel and I get along really well (other than small 'tiffs here and there but everyone has those), we have a house, we have working vehicles, we have good jobs, awesome family (that have their own drama but we love them anyway), etc. etc. etc. This post is not to complain about any of that, but more of a peek into the underlying issue in our life. As stated in the title, this post is going to be very real and may be a bit depressing. I am not looking for sympathy or even necessarily any advice. This post is for me to vent and get it out of my mind to see if it helps not holding it all in.
Those closest to me already know of this struggle. I deal with it in my mind on a daily basis. I hide behind a smile, which more times than not is real and genuine, but if I'm having a particularly bad day, you wouldn't know. I'm not pretending that I'm strong. There are much MUCH worse things that people go through. My case is nothing special, other than it being mine. I don't like pity. That's not what I'm looking for. This is my place to vent so here goes.
Infertility. It isn't a word that I ever even considered being a part of my life. I always dreamt that the day would come when we would decide it was time for a baby and it would just happen (rainbows and butterflies right?!). I've always wanted to be a mom. It may sound dumb and naive but that is my "dream job". Things in life kept pushing this dream back after we got married. We first agreed on 2 years. When the 2 years were up we re-agreed on when Marcel gets on a full time Fire Dept. When that happened it was waiting for Academy to get over. Then for our Anniversary. November 2011. That is when I stopped taking birth control. I was so excited and so ready to be a mom! I had waited so long for this! It was really going to happen and I couldn't wait! Marcel wasn't really on the same page but was close enough that he was just going with it. Not necessarily "trying" but if it happens then cool. My whole heart was in it. I was trying!
The first month, nothing. Completely normal. I had of course hoped that I would be as lucky as others I know and have it happen the first month. Not so. That's okay though. It can take anywhere from 3 months to a year for your body to get back in order after birth control. Deep breath. We're okay!
The next months consisted of irregular periods, negative tests, and tears. But this is normal. I continued to get my hopes up, playing on every "unusual" symptom my body would produce just to have my hopes dashed by horrible cramping and a period.
I stopped taking tests. I did better at not planning and getting high hopes. As negative as that sounds, it helped. I couldn't escape imagining though. Everyone around me it seemed was having babies. Let me expand on that. I work in a clinic next to an OB/GYN and for a Family Practice Dr. I see pregnant woman almost on a daily basis and answer many phone calls to set up their first OB appt. I'm not a bitter troll. I am genuinely happy for them. My friends that have babies. I really am very VERY happy for you! I don't want people to feel like they can't share this wonderful news with me because they think it may hurt my feelings. It is a very happy moment in your life and I'd love to hear about it!
As time went on, going to family gatherings for holidays and special occasions guaranteed questions of "when are you guys going to finally have kids?". The prodding and questioning. Our fake smiles and response of "we're just enjoying time together" (which isn't a complete lie, we are, it's just not an honest answer for the question). It began getting harder to lie. Not lie, but not answer. They'll never stop asking if they don't know. So I opened up just enough to stop the questions. One of the more memorable of hard times was at my cousins baby girl's blessing. We were sitting in sacrament meeting after the blessing and I had a chance to hold her. I was having a particularly hard day and this almost set me over the edge. I had to keep dabbing tears away as I watched and held this beautiful baby all in white peacefully sleeping in my arms, and my heart was breaking. Why can't we have this? My aunt bore her testimony that day and thanked Heavenly Father for trusting her enough to be a mother to such wonderful kids. Is that why? Does He not think I can do it? Maybe I wouldn't be a good mother.....Maybe I'm just fooling myself and it's better this way. Those thoughts were quickly shut down by Marcel and my parents. But I still sometimes wonder....
Getting advice from people is always fun! The most popular is "Just relax and don't think about it and it will happen"! Yeah okay. I have people tell me stories about loved ones that tried for 4+ years and finally got a baby. I know they mean well, but that doesn't make me feel better. It is selfish but, I don't want to be one of those people. I just want to have a normal happy story. I confided in someone in my thoughts on taking Clomid and explained how much we'd love to get twins first and was told "that would probably be better having twins since you have such a hard time getting pregnant". Well I wasn't thinking of it like that at all but thanks for that negative spin on it. I need to be nice. Everyone means well. I just grow tired of these answers. Don't ever tell someone that desperately wants a baby to "just not think about it" because honestly, it's impossible. It's okay to ask someone when they are going to have a baby, just be careful about how you ask because you have no clue where they are in life and what's going on. It seems like a simple question but it can be a painful one if not approached the right way.
November 2012 came. The one year mark. It is recommended that you try for a year before seeking help from a Dr. It was so close to January and the beginning of a new year which meant a new deductible, so I waited. I've worked with the OB/GYN here at work and he is fantastic. Also very kind and caring. He has listened to me whenever I have needed advice (as he does with everyone). He is the one who is helping us. He ordered the labs, I went down and faced my needle fear and secretly prayed that something simple (like TSH, or Prolactin) would be off. Something that is easily fixed. The results came back (along with the $700 bill......). Normal. Of course they are.
After reviewing these with my Dr., we decided the next step would be to try Clomid for 6months and then re-evaluate after that time has passed if we still haven't had any luck. I went and bought the Rx. Marcel and I talked about it a little more. He wanted me to wait another month. I started a "Biggest Loser" contest at the beginning of January and it ends the end of March and the amount you can win would be awesome! I've waited this long, one more month will be okay. After all, waiting to start this Rx didn't mean we wouldn't be "trying". Just not aiding I guess. Alright then, we'll start Clomid in March.
February came and went and was actually a very good month! I didn't stress about "baby stuff" for the first time in what seems like a very long time. I focused on my exercising and eating. Marcel and I had fun just being us. I wasn't obsessing over cycle days and timing. It was a good month.
Beginning of March. Baby back on the brain, even though it never wasn't. Now we get to try Clomid! This could be it! Maybe this is all we need! Now all I have to do is wait for my period (which at this point has figured itself out and is now consistent) and then we can begin. March 7th. That's when it should've started. I had some cramping but no bleeding. Maybe I'll just start a day later, no big deal. March 8th. Some cramping, no bleeding. March 9th. Some cramping, no bleeding. Could we be...? I took a test. Negative. Figures..... March 10th. Some Cramping, no bleeding. Hmmm...don't think too much of it. March 11th. Some Cramping, no bleeding. Okay this is new. I've never ever missed a period. I'll take another test in the morning and see. Last night I allowed myself to hope again. I googled "ways to tell your husband you're pregnant" and told myself it was just for fun......but my mind knew better. I figured out exactly what I'm going to do and got so excited! I planned everything out. I imagined Marcel's reaction! Our families reactions! I was giddy with anticipation to take the test that would tell me all my dreams are coming true! Then I remembered the cramping and started to feel a little panicky. So I googled it. "Cramping is completely normal in Pregnancy because your body is changing and preparing to carry your baby". Great! This could be normal! Maybe the heavens have finally aligned and it's our turn at last! I couldn't fall asleep. Maybe I should just take the test now so I can know. No, it won't be as accurate. That's what I told myself. So after a while, I finally fell asleep.
My alarm went off bright and early. I had everything laid out and ready. This will be the day my life will be forever changed! I took the test and anxiously waited the 3 minutes for the answer. What if it IS positive?! Are we really ready? Don't be silly! This is exactly what you want! What will it feel like to look and see a positive result? Maybe you're about to find out! I let Toby outside for a bit and when we came back in it was the moment of truth. I walked into the bathroom, scooped Toby into my arms and cuddled him for a second to gather my courage, then I looked and the test....
What? But....things are different! What else could it be? But I really thought that this time.....Ugh, Jen why did you do this. You know better than to get that excited. Why would you do that to yourself?! These and many other thoughts ran through my mind as tears ran down my cheeks. I expected unfamiliar tears of joy but got the all too familiar tears of heart ache. Jen when will you learn?
I pulled myself together and got ready for the day. I came to work and my Dr. came in early. This never happens. I was hoping it would though so I could talk to him before clinic started. I went back to his office and explained what was going on. He reassured me. "You very well may be pregnant and it could just be too early for the home test to detect it. Wait until it's been a week late and test again". That's only a few more days, I can do that! He continued. "On the other hand, which we don't like to think about but you could possibly be miscarrying". Dagger to the heart but not a surprise.
Now I wait. Today has been emotional. I am not one to be patient and this has been a very VERY trying thing in my life. I know there are people who have been trying much longer than us. They are so strong. There are people who have multiple miscarriages and are brave enough to keep trying. Some even have a positive look at it by saying they now know they can get pregnant. They are even stronger. We have been lucky (depending on how you look at it I suppose) to not experience a miscarriage. I don't know if I could handle the excitement of finally being pregnant just to have it painfully taken away. But, as I mentioned, they know they can get pregnant. Double edged sword.
I don't pretend to be an expert. Yes I've done my research but what do I really know. I only speak from my experience. This post if just for me to vent.
My Dr. said something to me right before our conversation was over this morning that I've heard many many times but it hit closer to home today....
"Faith precedes the blessing"
I need to have faith that everything will happen as it should and when it is supposed to. When it does it will be the most amazing experience of our lives and I can't wait! We have so much love to give to this little person (or persons) when they finally decide to join our family! They are just taking their precious time! Our family has been so awesome and supportive through all of this and I know they are just as anxious as we are and will love them like crazy too! My aunt Ruth said something so sweet to me in a text a while ago that I'll never forget! She said, "It's probably taking a while cuz all the kids in heaven are probably fighting cuz they want you to be their mom...."! I sure hope she's right! :)
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